Sir, I'm going to need you to move your bag...

After much peer pressure, here's another story from a couple months ago. I held back from posting this initially because I didn't want this to turn into a "You Suck Monkey Balls, Delta" type of blog. However, as a randomly-wise man said "Dude, If they suck you should write it up. That's what you get for sucking."

So, it is a Monday morning and I'm off to Jackson, MS. Now unless you catch the one flight that's a real sized plane, you end up with a regional jet. This morning was no different. It is important to note that when you fly a metric crap-ton (that's a technical term), you get status with the airline. The perks associated with the status vary by level of status as well as the type of aircraft. Upgrades to first class seating is awesome, but on a regional jet there really is no such thing as first class. The only real things you get on these sized planes is the ability to get on the plane first and secure your tiny little section of overhead real-estate.

For those of you who don't know, I have a backpack. That is my carry-on. Not a oversized rolling monstrosity that would never fit, but a normal sized backpack. Inside that backpack I have all my technical components (cables, laptop, GPS unit, you name it). So onto the plane I go and I sit in row 3. This plane is a 2-aisle-2 configuration and row 1 (the bulkhead) is completely empty. This is important. Every one of the medallion fliers gets on, still empty. Half of the plane has gotten on, still row 1 is empty. Now my backpack is snug and safe in the bin above me. The girl sitting next to me has no baggage so the only other thing in our bin are the items from the other side of our row. Mathematically our row has worked out perfectly. Anyone else who knows me also knows if the plane is half loaded, I'm almost completely asleep.

So I get shaken awake rather forcefully. I open my eyes to see a stewardess glaring at me like I did something wrong.

"Sir, is this your backpack?" she says.

"Yes, it is. Why?" I reply all sugary and perhaps a bit "you just woke me for this"-ish.

"I'm going to need you to move this."

"Um, what?"

"Sir, the first row cannot put their bags at their feet so they need this space. Move your bag."

Now, at this point I decide to survey the plane. See, I've been a-sleepin so things may have changed. I check the denizens of row 1 and find them still missing. I check the row 2 passengers, all accounted for and all their bags safely stowed. Row 1 has the entire right side of the plane worth of overhead space completely empty and half of the left side. Now that is pretty amazing as far as space goes. I glance behind me and see the first available space outside of those cavernous gaps is at, oh, row 8 or 9.

"There's plenty of space. Plus, I'm a Platinum so that is one of the perks of flying with you guys a lot. I'll be fine and so will the currently missing row 1 people I'm sure." I casually reply.

"There isn't enough room. You need to move your stuff now." she replies back even angrier.

"If all that space doesn't work for them, they can head to row 8". (I know it may have been 9, but i'm taking some liberties with the story here. point is, they can walk their tardy to the party butts back a few rows if 1 and 1/2 bins isn't enough)

"Sir, when we deplane they would have to go backward through all the passengers and that is an inconvenience. You need to move your bag so they don't have to do that."

"Wait, a non-elite flier having to go back a few rows because they brought massive bags or more than their FAA allowed limit is egregiously wrong, but someone who flies this same flight almost weekly and is a Platinum going back there is just fine? Do you hear yourself right now??"

Now, let me stop and clarify a couple of things. Firstly, I'm not an a-hole. I promise you, I'm not. But I'll be damned if some random person who hasn't even shown up yet is going to get the Kingly treatment and I'm getting floor scum attitude. See, I'm allowed "One carry on plus one personal item such as a purse, briefcase or laptop." I'm only sporting a single bag, not multiples. Oh, and I was friggin sleeping and the people aren't even HERE YET!!

So, I do the only thing I can do. I close my eyes and dismiss her. Well, here come the late people as, no joke, the last people on the plane. Apparently we were waiting on them. Who could those row 1 people be? Royalty? WWE wrestlers? Kidney transplant transporters? King Delta himself? Nope. Some woman, her mother, and 3 SCREAMING brat kids.

Now, I'm very very very very tolerant of kids. But these were screaming at the top of their lungs before they even got on board good. Even that is something I let slide, but the mother didn't care. In fact, she was looking forward to everyone else having to deal with her hellspawn for a while and didn't even try to calm them. So, do the quick math on overhead space. Two adults...two bags allowed tops. Two small children with one bag between them. Overhead space for all of that plus that transported kidney I alluded to earlier. But wait a minute! Each adult has, no joke, 4 bags. FOUR! For those of you with public school educations, that is EIGHT (8) total bags!!

Well here comes miss hot-and-bothered flying over to me. She literally snatches my stuff from the overhead and tosses it at me.

"I TOLD you sir you needed to move this. They won't have room for their items otherwise and they are in the bulkhead. You can either hold this bag or you can not fly today."

So, let's think about that. Some random people who have no status (I checked), are holding up the flight, are bringing screaming hellions on board and not trying to control them (up and down the aisles, raising all hell the entire flight)...those people get overhead. Me? I fly every week with Delta and I have one bag. I was already sleeping and not bothering a soul. Oh, _I_ am the one who needs to move my bag.

Anyhow, it doesn't end with flying Judi-chops to the stewardess or anything like that sadly. (WTF is that? Go here) It ends with me standing on my computer for the flight and getting my 5k miles and apology from Delta once I land.

Sounds bad right? Wait for it...

So I'm going home Thursday. Different flight, different crew, same bag. I actually DO fall asleep on this one and when we try to leave guess what? No bag. Yep, It is G O N E !

Turns out this group of stewardess (flying whores, the bunch of them) decided to toss it in the bottom of the locker in the back. I mean, WTF is up with this bag discrimination?! I don't ask for much, just let me put my bag in the little piece of space I get and let me sleep in peace. Don't screw with my stuff.

On the upside, my team was with me and saw the whole thing. One member went all Springer on the stewardess too. It was awesome. She also shared this story too:

Guy arrives at his seat and notices the overhead above him is completely full. Guy removes a bag and puts his in it's place. Stewardess comes running over since some random person's bag is now sitting in the aisle. "Sir, you can't do that". "The hell I can't. I paid for this seat and that piece of space up there is mine. For what you assholes charged me, that is mine. Whoever owns this needs to deal with it." Classic.

"Oklahoma 3/28 - The Rant" OR "F You Delta, Oklahoma Edition"

Ah, Oklahoma Airport. In the same month where THIS happened:

I found myself in the airport trying to get home after a long hours week of working. Now, for this to truly be understood I need to add some more details. Typically, I travel Monday morning at the crack of early and come back Thursday afternoon/evening on the last or next-to-last flight back. That was the case here, my ticket was booked for exactly this - Monday morning out and Thursday evening back.

Now, occasionally I have issues of the personal nature that would be somewhat minor to others, but to a traveler it can be a huge deal. This was one of those things, I HAD to be at a lawyer's office on Thursday. Now, this meant I needed to take a Wednesday night flight. No problemo, I talked to the client, management, coworkers, hell the janitor at the facility even. Everyone was cool with me taking an earlier flight. Well, except for Delta that is.

You see, to take a flight on another day you're going to pay a "change fee". It doesn't matter if you're Mr. Delta himself, you're stuck with a $150 "rape" fee. So, i'm prepared for that. What i'm not prepared for is that Delta apparently CAN NOT change just the return portion of a ticket, but instead needs to redo the whole thing from the ground up. A quick primer on ticketing:

>30 Days = Cheap, because no one books this early
15-30 Days = Cheap, because no one does this either
7-15 Days = Optimal, still cheap but also so close that surprises don't screw you up
3-7 Days = Ouchie, the same ticket is now twice the cost
0-3 Days = Daddy Wants a New Porche, WTF Prices are in full affect

With that in mind, my return ticket is in the 7 day window..but my new outbound ticket is in the last set of values...or, for the logically challenged: Delta wants 1300$ in fees ON TOP of the 150$ change fee!!! So, I point out my $100,000 a year spending history with Delta but to no avail. They wantz the moneyz. The Delta rep, no joke, says "Perhaps you should just buy a return ticket on Southwest".

So, instead I get creative. One-way Return ticket on Wednesday with FF miles? 25,000 total. I earn that accidentally in a month, so life is good right? Heh. Wait for it.

Now, Wednesday arrives and I'm at the airport, through security, and overpaying for some water in plenty of time for my flight. In fact, i'm hanging out at the agent's counter as the flight starts to unload ready to whisk me away to my home in time for all this legal garbage. And that's when I get that feeling....anyone who has been there, knows it . . . something isn't right. I see this douchebag of a pilot walk out amidst the passengers (first sign) and head straight over to the gate agent (second sign) and start flirting heavily (thus, the declaration of douchebag - see I don't profile). I listen to this idiot prattle on a minute or two, then I hear the words: "Well, some fat ass broke the toilet handle so I'm not going anywhere. Want to get some food"

Yes, you read that right. Someone broke the toilet. Broke. The. Toilet.

So, douchebag gets blown off by the gate agent, who also just realized that this flight ain't happening, and heads over to feed his defalted ego with a cheap airport burrito. I immediately jump into action, knowing how this ends. "I need to get to Atlanta. I don't care if I tour the country in the process, get me there tonight!" The gate agent, Tena, is awesome but she can't help me..yet. Reason? Apparently Delta (even though the agents say this happens MONTHLY!!) won't admit the flight is going to get cancelled. For those that didn't know, a 2 hour flight with no toilet is an FAA no-no. So, I stand there and wait. Watching each departing flight leave for other cities much closer to Atlanta while we wait for maintenance. Finally, this maintenance dude shows, only to tell us that he needs the pilot. Who is stuffing his face and not caring about passengers right now, so clearly he's busy.

Agonizing minutes later, Delta cancels the flight. Ok, rebook time! I got a nice American flight through NYC to Atlanta arriving at 1am. Not ideal, but better. Problem is, ASA (the owner of this plane) hasn't updated their system yet. So, after half an hour of retrying, they clear the flight for rebooking...just as the AA flight leaves. Which leaves me in OK for the night, my only hope is that 5am flight the next morning. I get a ticket to the Sheradin Four Points and 18$ for my troubles. Yeah, that is ALL.

So, onto the Sheradin shuttle and over to the hotel I go. What a sh#thole. If you have the option of staying at the OK Sheradin or a tenament under a bridge...the bridge is nicer. This place was dirty and smelled of foot.

And that 18$? Well, after waiting TWO HOURS to get a menu, I finally orderd a burger with water. Sadly, even with my $18 credit, this meal costs me $23. Yeah. And that burger sucked.

So, 3am arrives and I'm up and waiting on the shuttle. Guess what? The Sheradin didn't think anyone would want to leave early like that to catch the 5am flight. No joke. Our ENTIRE plane worth of people are on this flight, but the hotel didn't think we would need a shuttle.

I get in, and go to check in to the flight at the Delta kiosk and..guess what? Remember earlier how I said I had a ticket originally that returned on Thursday? Yeah. Now, I have two. My original and the FF ticket I cashed in for. Both from OK to ATL, both on thursday, both for me. That means Delta can't find my reservation, since they don't know which is which, and I can't check in.

I'm on the phone with them immediately. I'll save you the blow by blow, but at some point their development group was on the phone trying to fix my problem. They couldn't cancel one flight without canceling both. They couldn't remove me from one seat without an upgrade or standby immediately getting that seat. It was in a word, unreal.

I made it though. I literally closed the boarding door behind me, but I made it. And the flight? Typical craptacular flight. Loud children, people kicking my seat constantly, someone with horrible BO. But...I was home.

Maybe I'll write up a review of the OKC scene in a bit. For now, I feel dirty just typing this up and need another shower.

F You Delta. Just F You Hard.


-J

It Doesn't Work and other bits of useful information..

I dont understand people and computers. Not a day goes by that I dont hear "It doesnt work". Why is that helpful to me? What exactly do you expect me to do with that bit of information? Im really beginning to think that people think computers actually are magic and you dont need any information whatsoever to fix it. You wouldnt go to your doctor and say I hurt and have the doctor try to figure out what you want. He might look at your hand and you might have a broken foot!! So why am I expected to do the same? I think the next time I hear its broken i will break out a voo doo doll and some sparkly powder and throw it over the computer and tell them maybe the gods will grant your request and fix it.

-magic computer shaman

Traveling is sooo glamorous..or 78th on the upgrade list

When you travel constantly for your job you are hoping to get a few perks for doing so. One of the perks that you hope to get is status and with status comes upgrades from the back of the plane to first class. Now in the back of the plane they pack you in like cattle and charge you for anything you might want to do like say drink, eat or watch a movie and just to make sure you know you are in the public transport system they pull this little curtain across the doorway blocking the view to the promised land of first class where they treat you like real people.

I have been traveling for a long time now and the perks are getting fewer and father between. This Monday I was on the 8am business mans flight and i had my optimistic thoughts of getting bumped up to first class where I could enjoy a OJ and not having someone I dont know and dont want to know basically sharing a seat with me. I get to the airport and look at the board and find out I was 78TH ON THE UPGRADE LIST!!!! This was a new personal low for me and I wasnt even the last person on the list! The list had 98 people on it. now I ask you, if you have 98 people on the upgrade list, are you really getting a perk??

Yup.. traveling is glamorous.

It all started with a photo of a chicken

Well, not really the chicken photo, but the idea of the chicken photo.  We've been telling each other tales from our weekly trips for years now.  Sharing "you won't believe this" photos and stuff.  We just decided to make this a real blog right about the same time I took this photo.  This is from Key West.  Apparently, if you've never been, they have Feral Chickens.  Yep.  Feral.  Chickens.

I have these great plans to write up my whole week in a review-style format, including places to eat..not eat..and stuff to do that I found interesting all while working my butt off.  In the meantime, here's that chicken photo:

-Jason.